I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
