Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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