matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
