Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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