Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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