i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
