So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
