dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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