why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
