I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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