I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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