sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
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Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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