WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
