I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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