What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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