guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Randomize
