Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
