Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
