My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize