you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
