I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.