Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.