you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
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We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Mom said you looked used
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
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You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize