Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
