Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
