someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
