We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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