Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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