What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
