you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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