you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
