my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
