This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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