Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
