every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
