when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
