When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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