Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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