when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
