I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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