I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
