i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
