i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
