What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
