I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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