A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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