Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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