I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
