found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
