chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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