On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
