Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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