I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
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