Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
